From Pheasants to Foxes

From Pheasants to Foxes

I write this blog as a co-editor and (infrequent) contributor. I’ve known TST for quite some time, both personally and professionally. We’ve talked many times in regards to his dealings in, and views on, our beloved Wall Street, but it wasn’t until recently that I really saw eye-to-eye with TST. I have a pretty large social network in NYC, but I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that the founder of this blog has more completely insane stories than anyone I’ve ever met, (even me). And, the worst part is that they’re all true.

As for myself, I was raised on Long Island as a north-shore church, boat, fish, sail, soccer, and lacrosse boy. I was raised to be a good, nice, generous, kind-hearted and classy gentleman. I voluntarily taught religion on the weekends throughout college and after I graduated. I had internships all over the world for my summers, starting in 11th grade. I wrote for a few international magazines and tutored in writing and grammar.

I guess I could blog about some of my stories on Wall Street. Stuff I saw done that was totally insane, stupid and born from pure greed. But, I think that before I get to all that stuff, it’s important to understand how a really nice boy from Long Island could be involved in one of the largest scandals ever: Structured Credit. Perhaps, in understanding me, you can understand that greed is a learned behavior. I’m going to blog ‘simple’ for a while because I’m trying to remain as un-derivative as possible.

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I am extremely Type-A. I was a pilot in the Army for a few years and got banged up a few times. I only wanted blood from Type-A people. I engraved it on my dog tags: “Roman Catholic, O Positive, (Type-A only, otherwise DNR). I didn’t want to get infused with any blood from any slacker. I learned to fly apaches. I learned to kill people with it. I learned how to blow up houses, at command, with hellfire missiles, knowing that there were civilians inside.

Things I did and learned weren’t all right, but it’s what the government taught me to do, so I did it. I couldn’t hurt people anymore. It wasn’t how I was raised. So, I left early and went back to Wall Street.

I am extremely Type-A. I was in the FO of JP Morgan straight out of college. I did very well. I worked with the best traders on the street. They were animals. I partied my face off. I traveled the world for JPM and (later) HSBC. I worked with brilliant people, built trading and risk systems, got the best reviews, gave speeches, taught people the ways of the most complex financial products on the street, made money, lost money, made friends, lost a lot more. I ’evolved’ from credit derivatives into the next-best-thing: Structured Credit Products. We made hundreds of millions of dollars for the bank by packaging pools of assets, whatever they may have been, rating their default level in line with the average FICO score of the parties involved in the pool (which was most often complete shit), booking a total return swap to account for the principal pay downs, hedging the bond and counterparty risk with a credit default swap and, ultimately selling pieces out to the street for pretty decent spreads. I learned how to give credit when credit was not due. It was easy, I guess. Credit scores of 500 totally deserved jumbo loans because they were ‘no stated income‘…. I think I just ask the mortgage broker at: I.Fucked.Your.Life.Up.Mortgages.Com. Yea, he said Clinton gave their shop a ton of business a couple years back. He said something like, “Yo, bro, we help people bro. We found a way to let every minority own a home. But, dude, we’re just the originators. You hold the risk. That’s why you guys all get paid the big bucks bro”. I learned to look the other way.

Things I did and learned weren’t all right, but it’s what the government taught me to do, so I did it. I couldn’t hurt people anymore. It wasn’t how I was raised. So, I left Wall Street and have gone fishing every single nice day since then.

-TSH